vineri, 25 februarie 2011

letters are the same, but words are alien

Have you ever noticed how important words are to our lives? Such variety of feelings they bear... I can almost say I know someone better upon the words he/she uses.

My dear friend, I do my best trying to learn as many words as I can in your language. I only hope that so, I can get to you and make you understand me.

One uses words to sing, other to play a role, but most people use words to show their feelings, opinion, regrets... Our entire life depends on words. How many of us are aware of it? Quite real weapons sometime, they can decide human lives and influence others' fate.

What if they are misused? One will never be accused of using, deliberately or not, the wrong word in the right place or the right word in the wrong place. Also, one might posses the rare ability to detect reality hidden behind words. But the worst case is of self-censoring forced by circumstances. Could our friendship survive this censoring? Would those words represent us? Not anymore!

The most deceiving and painful is when words are used to make promises.. How much are we able to control when the time to keep our promises will arrive? If we fail meeting our promise, we hear in return: "But you gave my you word!"

Words have also their limit. They value nothing in certain moments of our lives. Long time ago, I was speechless when I was supposed to comfort a friend after a hard loss. Her pain was so deep, and the loss so hard! I realized then that no words - no matter how carefully chosen - would give her the least comfort. So, I just held her in my arms, silently.

I felt in love with a wonderful man once. He was so much like me that when the moment came to talk to him about my feelings, silence suddenly possessed me. I couldn't find the words to let him know how much I loved him. I was afraid he will misunderstand me. I didn't take this risk, and now everything's just a story. He didn't even know how much I loved him. Words seem helpless in many moments during our existence. So, words can hurt, express happiness, and bring bad or good news, but they lose power when circumstances overwhelm us. They are transformed then in a hidden, silent pain.

I could only use words to reach you, my friend. Even self-censored words sound better than no words. I miss your words... They used to give me so much hope and strength to resist this crazy world we live in.

Just as well, words helped me many times in my life. "Yes" and "No" are very powerful, but I learned that the most important of them are "I love you".

vineri, 18 februarie 2011

the alley by the lake

I walk by the lake, dragging my feet on the alley, scattering dry leaves. The view is purely wonderful, and I feel so lucky to see it every day. Mornings have something special! When I alone in the morning mist, I can hear my thoughts and I begin conversations with my faraway friends, as if they could hear me.

For some unknown reason, today I was thinking of the day I first walked on this road. It was winter, and everything wad frozen. Same alley, same lake, same trees, but the view meant nothing to me - just a nice image. Though, I felt like there was a new way for me. It was a time I thought I should be happy with my life, that I needn't more. Deep in my soul I knew I wasn't right, but I lied to myself because that was the only way to face reality.

How would you feel when years of studying chemistry, as a very young engineer, your diploma worth nothing? And after months of looking for a job you get one that has nothing to do with what you prepared for? Yet, you're lucky to have a job helping you to survive, to start your life from some point. Then, day by day, you give up expectations, and life turns its back on you, letting you get drown into monotony and routine. I felt like I wasn't alive anymore; a simple spectator to my own boring existence. The curtain was always down, keeping away from me the real show of who I am and how much I worth. Just as I passed each day by the lake, unable to feel its beauty, just looking with empty eyes tot same alley, same trees, same lake.

Luckily, something happened to disturb all this routine, storming my thoughts, shaking me up. From that moment on, nothing was as before. Suddenly, I came back to life, and - as I woke up from my long sleep - the view I looked at each day turned to life, too. Good-morning sun! Good- morning, trees! Good-morning, squirrels! Good-morning, beautiful lake! My heart was so full that I was afraid it'll burst!

And for that to happen, I needed to meet some people, some very special people. Knowing them led to knowing myself better. They helped me discover myself as I really was and as I never thought I'd be. How? It's maybe because they come from another world, one we never knew before year '89... They came, they made me reconsider my existence, and then they went back to their lives, into their worlds. It's no wonder then that I miss them so much. I knew maybe life planned to only meet once or twice, as I knew I'll miss them forever and carry them in mind for the rest of my life. Because of them, I was able to open myself and see the beauty and the ugly around me.

Then spring came, and I walked by the lake dreaming, just as every girl is dreaming, but with a bitter shade of melancholy, longing for something she will never have and for someone she will never meet again. Regrets owned me for a while, and routine and monotony lie and wait for me patiently. But I was determined to struggle against them with all my forces, and hoped that destiny will help me again. And I was right to put my faith in it.

It was the end of summer when my feet headed towards the same alley by the lake, and I was already a different person. Life just showed me the world across the ocean. And it was so different from our world, from what I thought it would be. I felt small as an ant, though more confident in myself. It was the same lake I passed by, but it looked so beautiful having all that enthusiasm and hope within my soul!

I'm walking today on the same alley... Who knows what future holds in store for me? I'm smiling happy to find myself thinking of the future. I am able to dream about it, and paper calls me eager to share this experience together.

I'll never stop dreaming as I walk on this alley, and I'll never stop hoping they will come true someday.

In these colors of the autumn, the lake has such a beauty! As I walk, my steps are scattering dry leaves; they are like tears the trees have cried since my faraway friends left back to their world. Sometimes I can hear my thoughts in the morning mist, and sometimes I think of conversations with my friends, trusting that somehow they feel I'm thinking of them and so they'll know how much I miss them.

These are the moments I enjoy the most each day.