Having a Coke with You...

Having a Coke with You

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them.

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

Frank O’Hara (1926-1966)

you'll forget me

"And you'll forget me,
Cause you're leaving too far
And for too long...
And I'll forget you,
Cause forgetfulness
Is just another human law."

Ion Minulescu

Indeed, you'll forget me, because you let destiny separate us. Each day you remember less about me, and I don't blame you, my friend. We have some nice memories together, and maybe that's all there is to be about our friendship. For a moment, you had too much in your life, and I had far to less in mine. All I had, that nobody could deprive me from, was my pen, a piece of paper and words... And they'll be always here for me, to share happiness or pain. They helped me escape from this shark called reality to a world where imagination is allowed to build dreams. And I had let you in, and I was hurt to see how far you went away, instead of getting nearer.
Now I understand, you'll forget me... and can't even blame you. So, I'll get used used to that, and I'll go on with my life here. I'll smile, and joke, and have fun, as I often do. I'll go on being that charming girl, never showing her age. I'll be determined and stubborn, as I am often. But I know I'll have those moments when I'll be among memories, and people will ask me "Hey, where are you now?". I'll be thinking of you then, my friend, even though maybe less each day. Will I ever be in your memories?

a November story

It was a cold November day, so many years ago that it makes no difference if I count them. And I remember... and I wonder... and I smile... for a shared moment of music made me believe friendship could last even a day or two. Fate made those two people meet, and a few magic moments of old American music and movies made them feel so closely bound. A lapse of time and space has been filled up with music, memories of old actors and movies, and a great admiration for each other's cultural heritage. I still keep the piece of paper he used to write these words of a song he wanted me so much to learn. I couldn't understand why it was so important for him to teach me that tune. Looking back, now I understand  he wanted to give me something to remember. And he did it! From time to time, I find myself singing this song, coming so far from the past that no one around me even knows it. And I can't keep asking myself if that old gentleman is still there, across the big ocean, listening this tune, smiling at how hard he tried to make a young Romanian girl sing it.



"I want some red roses for a blue lady
Mister florist take my order please
We had a silly quarrel the other day
I hope these pretty flowers chase her blues away

I want some red roses for a blue lady
Send them to the sweetest gal in town
And if they do the trick, I'll hurry back to pick
Your best white orchid for her wedding gown"

a poem to remember

Invictus
by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

letters are the same, but words are alien

Have you ever noticed how important words are to our lives? Such variety of feelings they bear... I can almost say I know someone better upon the words he/she uses.

My dear friend, I do my best trying to learn as many words as I can in your language. I only hope that so, I can get to you and make you understand me.

One uses words to sing, other to play a role, but most people use words to show their feelings, opinion, regrets... Our entire life depends on words. How many of us are aware of it? Quite real weapons sometime, they can decide human lives and influence others' fate.

What if they are misused? One will never be accused of using, deliberately or not, the wrong word in the right place or the right word in the wrong place. Also, one might posses the rare ability to detect reality hidden behind words. But the worst case is of self-censoring forced by circumstances. Could our friendship survive this censoring? Would those words represent us? Not anymore!

The most deceiving and painful is when words are used to make promises.. How much are we able to control when the time to keep our promises will arrive? If we fail meeting our promise, we hear in return: "But you gave my you word!"

Words have also their limit. They value nothing in certain moments of our lives. Long time ago, I was speechless when I was supposed to comfort a friend after a hard loss. Her pain was so deep, and the loss so hard! I realized then that no words - no matter how carefully chosen - would give her the least comfort. So, I just held her in my arms, silently.

I felt in love with a wonderful man once. He was so much like me that when the moment came to talk to him about my feelings, silence suddenly possessed me. I couldn't find the words to let him know how much I loved him. I was afraid he will misunderstand me. I didn't take this risk, and now everything's just a story. He didn't even know how much I loved him. Words seem helpless in many moments during our existence. So, words can hurt, express happiness, and bring bad or good news, but they lose power when circumstances overwhelm us. They are transformed then in a hidden, silent pain.

I could only use words to reach you, my friend. Even self-censored words sound better than no words. I miss your words... They used to give me so much hope and strength to resist this crazy world we live in.

Just as well, words helped me many times in my life. "Yes" and "No" are very powerful, but I learned that the most important of them are "I love you".

the alley by the lake

I walk by the lake, dragging my feet on the alley, scattering dry leaves. The view is purely wonderful, and I feel so lucky to see it every day. Mornings have something special! When I alone in the morning mist, I can hear my thoughts and I begin conversations with my faraway friends, as if they could hear me.

For some unknown reason, today I was thinking of the day I first walked on this road. It was winter, and everything wad frozen. Same alley, same lake, same trees, but the view meant nothing to me - just a nice image. Though, I felt like there was a new way for me. It was a time I thought I should be happy with my life, that I needn't more. Deep in my soul I knew I wasn't right, but I lied to myself because that was the only way to face reality.

How would you feel when years of studying chemistry, as a very young engineer, your diploma worth nothing? And after months of looking for a job you get one that has nothing to do with what you prepared for? Yet, you're lucky to have a job helping you to survive, to start your life from some point. Then, day by day, you give up expectations, and life turns its back on you, letting you get drown into monotony and routine. I felt like I wasn't alive anymore; a simple spectator to my own boring existence. The curtain was always down, keeping away from me the real show of who I am and how much I worth. Just as I passed each day by the lake, unable to feel its beauty, just looking with empty eyes tot same alley, same trees, same lake.

Luckily, something happened to disturb all this routine, storming my thoughts, shaking me up. From that moment on, nothing was as before. Suddenly, I came back to life, and - as I woke up from my long sleep - the view I looked at each day turned to life, too. Good-morning sun! Good- morning, trees! Good-morning, squirrels! Good-morning, beautiful lake! My heart was so full that I was afraid it'll burst!

And for that to happen, I needed to meet some people, some very special people. Knowing them led to knowing myself better. They helped me discover myself as I really was and as I never thought I'd be. How? It's maybe because they come from another world, one we never knew before year '89... They came, they made me reconsider my existence, and then they went back to their lives, into their worlds. It's no wonder then that I miss them so much. I knew maybe life planned to only meet once or twice, as I knew I'll miss them forever and carry them in mind for the rest of my life. Because of them, I was able to open myself and see the beauty and the ugly around me.

Then spring came, and I walked by the lake dreaming, just as every girl is dreaming, but with a bitter shade of melancholy, longing for something she will never have and for someone she will never meet again. Regrets owned me for a while, and routine and monotony lie and wait for me patiently. But I was determined to struggle against them with all my forces, and hoped that destiny will help me again. And I was right to put my faith in it.

It was the end of summer when my feet headed towards the same alley by the lake, and I was already a different person. Life just showed me the world across the ocean. And it was so different from our world, from what I thought it would be. I felt small as an ant, though more confident in myself. It was the same lake I passed by, but it looked so beautiful having all that enthusiasm and hope within my soul!

I'm walking today on the same alley... Who knows what future holds in store for me? I'm smiling happy to find myself thinking of the future. I am able to dream about it, and paper calls me eager to share this experience together.

I'll never stop dreaming as I walk on this alley, and I'll never stop hoping they will come true someday.

In these colors of the autumn, the lake has such a beauty! As I walk, my steps are scattering dry leaves; they are like tears the trees have cried since my faraway friends left back to their world. Sometimes I can hear my thoughts in the morning mist, and sometimes I think of conversations with my friends, trusting that somehow they feel I'm thinking of them and so they'll know how much I miss them.

These are the moments I enjoy the most each day.

there's happiness even in pain

It is the pain I feel when I think of you and the wonderful moments we spent together. They seem already faraway, but I always smile when I remember them, and my heart aches. The ache of loosing a friend in the dust of time or leaving a place I love and to which I know I 'll never be back.

The pain I feel now is of loosing you, my dear friend. I can fight with many differences that keep us apart, but I can't fight with the lack of communication between us. I don't want you to end up in a dream. I don't want the reality of our friendship fade away, as I don't want your face fade away. Would you resist that? I know I should have kept back feelings from the very beginning, but I just didn't. No use to ask why. No need to look for an answer. I had no expectations; I knew we'd have so little.

You weren't supposed to come into my life and yet I'm so happy to have in my thoughts, as painful as this is.